The Cremated Husband

Martha recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home. Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the patio table.

Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him.  "Herman, you know that fur coat you promised me? I bought it with  the insurance money!"

She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes then said, "Herman, remember that new car you promised me? Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!"

Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in the ashes she said, "Herman, that emerald necklace you promised me? Bought it too, with the insurance money!"

Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, she said, "Herman, remember that blow job I promised you?




 ...Here it comes..."

Wonderful Women

They smile when they want to scream.

They sing when they want to cry.

They cry when they are happy and laugh when they are nervous.

They stand up for justice.

They don't take 'no' for an answer when there is a better solution.

They go without new shoes so their children can have them.

They go to the doctor with a frightened friend.

They love unconditionally.

They cry when their children excel and cheer when their friends get awards.

They are happy when they hear about a birth or a new marriage.

Their hearts break when a friend dies.

They have sorrow at the loss of a family member, yet they are strong when they think there is no strength left.

They know that a hug and a kiss can heal a broken heart.

 

Women come in all sizes, in all colors and shapes.

They'll drive, fly, walk, or run to you to show they care about you.

The heart of a woman is what makes the world spin!

 

Women do more than just give birth.

They bring joy and hope.

They give compassion and ideals.

They give moral support to their family and friends.

Women have a lot to say and a lot to give.

Things We Can Learn from a Dog

• Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joy ride.
• Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.
• When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.
• When it's in your best interest, always practice obedience.
• Let others know when they've invaded your territory.
• Take naps and always stretch before rising.
• Run, romp, and play daily.
• Eat with gusto and enthusiasm.
• Be loyal.
• Never pretend to be something you're not.
• If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.
• When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.
• Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.
• Thrive on attention and let people touch you.
• Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.
• On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady tree.
• When you are happy, dance around and wag your entire body.
• No matter how often you are criticized, don't buy into the guilt thing and pout. Run right back and make friends.

This Pastor Has Guts

It seems prayer still upsets some people.


Please read....

When Minister Joe Wright was asked to open the new session of the Kansas Senate, everyone was expecting the usual generalities, but this is what they heard;

'Heavenly Father,

We come before you today

To ask your forgiveness and

To seek your direction and guidance.

We know Your Word says,

'Woe to those who call evil good'

But that is exactly what we have done.

We have lost our spiritual equilibrium

And reversed our values.

We have exploited the poor and

Called it the lottery.

We have rewarded laziness

And called it welfare.

We have killed our unborn

and called it choice.

We have shot

abortionists

and called it justifiable.

We have neglected to discipline

Our children and called it

building self esteem.

We have abused power

And called it politics.

We have coveted our neighbors

Possessions and called it ambition.

We have polluted the air

With profanity and

Pornography and called it

Freedom of speech and expression.

We have ridiculed the time

Honored values of our

Forefathers and called it enlightenment.

Search us, Oh, God,

And know our hearts today;

Cleanse us from every sin

And set us free.

Amen!'

The response was immediate. A number of legislators walked out during the prayer in protest.

In 6 short weeks, Central Christian Church, where Rev. Wright is pastor, logged more than 5,000 phone calls with only 47 of those calls responding negatively. The church is now receiving international requests for copies of this prayer from India , Africa and Korea.

Commentator Paul Harvey aired this prayer on his radio Program, 'The Rest of the Story,' and received a larger response to this program than any other he has ever aired.

With the Lord's help, may this prayer sweep over our Nation and wholeheartedly become our desire so that we again can be called 'One Nation Under God.'

What will you choose?

This  is a true story of something that happened just a few years ago at  USC.

There  was a professor of philosophy there who was a deeply committed atheist.  

His  primary goal for one required class was to spend the entire semester to prove  that God couldn't exist.

His  students were always afraid to argue with him because of his impeccable  logic.

Sure,  some had argued in class at times, but no one had ever really gone against him  because of his reputation.

At  the end of every semester on the last day, he would say to his class of 300  students,  "If there is anyone here who still believes in Jesus, stand up!"

In  twenty years, no one had ever stood up. They knew what he was going to do next.  He would say, "Because anyone who believes in God is a  fool".

If  God existed, he could stop this piece of chalk from hitting the ground and  breaking. Such a simple task to prove that He is God, and yet He can't do  it."

And  every year, he would drop the chalk onto the tile floor of the classroom and it  would shatter into a hundred pieces.

All  of the students would do nothing but stop and stare.

Most  of the students thought that God couldn't exist. Certainly, a number of  Christians had slipped through, but for 20 years, they had been too afraid to  stand up.

Well,  a few years ago there was a freshman who happened to  enroll.

He  was a Christian, and had heard the stories about his  professor.

He  was required to take the class for his major, and he was afraid. But for three  months that semester, he prayed every morning that he would have the courage to  stand up no matter what the professor said, or what the class thought.  

Nothing  they said could ever shatter his faith...he hoped.

Finally,  the day came. ! The professor said, "If there is anyone here who still believes  in God, stand up!" The professor and the class of 300 people looked at him,  shocked, as he stood up at the back of the classroom.

The  professor shouted, "You FOOL!!!

If  God existed, he would keep this piece of chalk from breaking when it hit the  ground!"

He  proceeded to drop the chalk, but as he did, it slipped out of his fingers, off  his shirt cuff, onto the pleat of his pants, down his leg, and off his shoe. As  it hit the ground, it simply rolled away unbroken. The professor's jaw dropped  as he stared at the chalk. He looked up at the young man, and then ran out of  the lecture hall.

The  young man who had stood, proceeded to walk to the front of the room and shared  his faith in Jesus for the next half hour. 300 students stayed and listened as  he told of God's love for them and of His power through Jesus.

Amazingly Smart Kids

The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, "Johnny! What are 4, 2, 28 and 44?" Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO, and the Cartoon Network!"

When I stopped the bus to pick up Chris for preschool, I noticed an older woman hugging him as he left the house. "Is that your grandmother?" I asked. "Yes", Chris said. "She's come to visit us for Christmas."  "How nice," I said. "Where does she live?"  "At the airport", Chris replied. "Whenever we want her, we just go out there and get her."

I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her.  I would point out something and ask what color it was.  She would tell me, and she was always correct.  But it was fun for me, so I continued.  At last, she headed for the door, saying sagely, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these yourself!"

When the mother returned from the grocery store, her small son pulled out the box of animal crackers he had begged for, then he spread the animal-shaped crackers all over the kitchen counter.  "What are you doing?" his Mom asked.  "The box says you can't eat them if the seal is broken," the boy explained.  "I'm looking for the seal."

This little grandmother was surprised by her 7-year-old grandson one morning.  He had made her coffee.  She drank what was the worst cup of coffee in her life.  When she got to the bottom, there were three of those little green army men and she asked him why they were there and he said, "On TV they say, 'The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup!'"

A three-year-old boy went with his dad to see a new litter of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother, "There were two boy kittens and two girl kittens." "How did you know that?" his mother asked. "Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied. "I think it's printed on the bottom."

THE ELDERLY: While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my four-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers, and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"

When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!" I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy." "I know," she replied, "but what is growing in your butt?" 

Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Mrs. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child. Smiling sweetly, the teacher said, "Bobby, when I was a child, I was told that if I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that." Bobby looked up and replied, "Well, Mrs. Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."

"When I Die, I Want To Die Like My Grandfather Who Died Peacefully In His Sleep. Not Screaming Like All The Passengers In His Car."

DIE-vorce

Dievorce

(no it's not a typo)

A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady 40 miles per hour.  The wife is behind the wheel.  Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice.  "I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce."

The wife says nothing, keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 45 mph.  The husband speaks again.  "I don't want you to try and talk me out of it," he says, "because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and she's a far better lover than you are."

Again the wife stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 55.  He pushes his luck.  "I want the house," he says insistently.  The speed is up to 60.  "I want the car, too," he continues.  65 mph.

"And," he says, "I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat!"  The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge.  This makes him nervous, so he asks her, "Isn't there anything you want?"

The wife at last replies in a quiet and controlled voice.  "No, I've got everything I need," she says. "Oh, really," he inquires, "so what have you got?"

Just before they slam into the wall at 65 mph, the wife turns to him and smiles. 

"The airbag."