MOKONG: Weird 9/11 coinsidences

MOKONG: Weird 9/11 coinsidences: "Remember, remember, the 11th of September. Weird Coincidences: 1) New York City has 11 letters 2) Afghanistan has 11 letters. 3) Ramsin Y..."

It's Great To Be A Man

• Your last name stays put.
• The garage is all yours.
• Wedding plans take care of themselves.
• Chocolate is just another snack.
• You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
• Car mechanics tell you the truth.
• The world is your urinal.
• You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too icky.
• Same work . . . more pay.
• Wrinkles add character.
• Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.
• If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
• People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
• New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
• Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So, notice anything different?"
• One mood, ALL the damn time.

And don't forget. . . 

• Phone Conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
• A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
• You can open all your own jars.
• Dry cleaners and hair cutters don't rob you blind.
• You can go to a public toilet without a support group.
• You can leave motel bed unmade.
• You can kill your own food.
• You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
• If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
• Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack.
• If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.
• Everything on your face stays its original color.
• Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
• You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming.
• You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking "He must be mad at me."
• You don't mooch off each other's desserts.
• You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.
• If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends.
• You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.
• You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
• You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
• The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
• You don't have to shave below your neck.
• Your belly usually hides your big hips.
• One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
• You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife.
• You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
• Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives, on December 24th, in 45 minutes.

15 Pieces of Advice for Women Regarding Men

1. Don't imagine you can change a man, unless he's in diapers.
2. What do you do when your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door behind him.
3. If they put a man on the moon, they should be able to put them all up there.
4. Never let your man's mind wander. Its too small to be out on it's own.
5. Go for the younger man. You might as well, they never mature anyways.
6. Men are all the same. They just have different faces so you can tell them apart.
7. The definition of a bachelor is a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
8. Women don't make fools of men. Most of them are do-it-yourself types.
9. The best way to get a man to do something is to say he's too old for it.
10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.
12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in Biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.
13. If he asks what kind of books you're interested in, tell him checkbooks.
14. Remeber, a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes. It means that you laugh at him.
15. Sadly, all men are created equal.

The MR. RIGHT Rejection Letter

Dear [____rejectee's name here_____],

I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further contention as Mr. Right. As you are probably aware, the competition was exceedingly tough and dozens of well-qualified candidates such as yourself also failed to make the final cut. I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening become available. So that you may find better success in your future romantic endeavors, please allow me to offer the following reason(s) you were disqualified from the competition:

[Check all those that apply]
___ Your breasts are bigger than mine.
___ Your last name is objectionable. I can't imagine taking it, hyphenating it, or subjecting my children to it.
___ The fact that our finest dining experience to date has been at McDonald's reveals a thriftiness that I find unappealing.
___ Your inadvertent admission that you "buy condoms by the truckload" indicates that you may be interested in me for something other than my personality.
___ You failed the 20 Question Rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions about yourself before you asked me one.
___ Your legs are skinnier than mine. If you can FIT into my pants, then you can't GET into my pants.
___ Your "Putting on a few, aren't you babe?" comment, given the 9-months pregnant size of your beer gut, was inappropriate.
___ You failed the credit check.
___ I find your inability to fix my car extraordinarily unappealing.
___ The fact that your apartment has been condemned reveals an inherent slovenliness that I fear is unbreakable.
___ The phrase "My Mother" has popped up far too often in conversation.
___ You still live with your parents.
___ You mention your ex-girlfriend's name more than you mention mine.
___ Three words: Size does matter.

Sincerely,
[Your name here]

10 Things Only Women Understand

10. Why it's good to have five pairs of black shoes.

9. The difference between cream, ivory, and off-white.

8. Crying can be fun.

7. Fat Clothes.

6. A salad, diet drink, and a hot fudge sundae make a balanced lunch.

5. Discovering a designer dress on the clearance rack can be considered a peak life experience.

4. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.

3. A good man might be hard to find, but a good hairdresser is next to impossible.

2. Why a phone call between two women never lasts under ten minutes.

1. Other Women!

Ang mga mokong ay pag-asa ng kalumbayan: Isiah 55:8-9

Ang mga mokong ay pag-asa ng kalumbayan: Isiah 55:8-9: "Sometimes we felt like God's playing joke on us... but if He didn't, we wouldn't learn to walk..."

He Said, She Said

He said...I don't know why you wear a bra; you've

got nothing to put in it.

She said...You wear pants don't you?

 

He said...Shall we try swapping positions tonight?

She said...That's a good idea - you stand by the

ironing board while I sit on the sofa.

 

He said...What have you been doing with all the

grocery money I gave you?

She said...Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

 

On a wall in a ladies room..."My husband follows

me everywhere."

Written just below it..."I do not."

 

Q. How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?

A. Both of them.

Q. How does a man show that he is planning for the future?

A. He buys two cases of beer.

 

Q. What is the difference between men and government bonds?

A. The bonds mature.

Q. Why are blonde jokes so short?

A. So men can remember them.

 

Q. How many men does it take to change a roll of

toilet paper?

A. We don't know; it has never happened.

 

Q. Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive,

caring and good-looking?

A. They already have boyfriends.

 

Q. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?

A.  A widow.

Q. Why are married women heavier than single women?

A. Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

 

Q. What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?

A. They're married.

 

Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"

God says: "So you would love her."

"But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?"

God says: "So she would love you."

Do you know what it would look like if men vacuumed?

You give up?

The Cremated Husband

Martha recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home. Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the patio table.

Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him.  "Herman, you know that fur coat you promised me? I bought it with  the insurance money!"

She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes then said, "Herman, remember that new car you promised me? Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!"

Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in the ashes she said, "Herman, that emerald necklace you promised me? Bought it too, with the insurance money!"

Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, she said, "Herman, remember that blow job I promised you?




 ...Here it comes..."

Wonderful Women

They smile when they want to scream.

They sing when they want to cry.

They cry when they are happy and laugh when they are nervous.

They stand up for justice.

They don't take 'no' for an answer when there is a better solution.

They go without new shoes so their children can have them.

They go to the doctor with a frightened friend.

They love unconditionally.

They cry when their children excel and cheer when their friends get awards.

They are happy when they hear about a birth or a new marriage.

Their hearts break when a friend dies.

They have sorrow at the loss of a family member, yet they are strong when they think there is no strength left.

They know that a hug and a kiss can heal a broken heart.

 

Women come in all sizes, in all colors and shapes.

They'll drive, fly, walk, or run to you to show they care about you.

The heart of a woman is what makes the world spin!

 

Women do more than just give birth.

They bring joy and hope.

They give compassion and ideals.

They give moral support to their family and friends.

Women have a lot to say and a lot to give.

Things We Can Learn from a Dog

• Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joy ride.
• Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.
• When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.
• When it's in your best interest, always practice obedience.
• Let others know when they've invaded your territory.
• Take naps and always stretch before rising.
• Run, romp, and play daily.
• Eat with gusto and enthusiasm.
• Be loyal.
• Never pretend to be something you're not.
• If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.
• When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.
• Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.
• Thrive on attention and let people touch you.
• Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.
• On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady tree.
• When you are happy, dance around and wag your entire body.
• No matter how often you are criticized, don't buy into the guilt thing and pout. Run right back and make friends.

This Pastor Has Guts

It seems prayer still upsets some people.


Please read....

When Minister Joe Wright was asked to open the new session of the Kansas Senate, everyone was expecting the usual generalities, but this is what they heard;

'Heavenly Father,

We come before you today

To ask your forgiveness and

To seek your direction and guidance.

We know Your Word says,

'Woe to those who call evil good'

But that is exactly what we have done.

We have lost our spiritual equilibrium

And reversed our values.

We have exploited the poor and

Called it the lottery.

We have rewarded laziness

And called it welfare.

We have killed our unborn

and called it choice.

We have shot

abortionists

and called it justifiable.

We have neglected to discipline

Our children and called it

building self esteem.

We have abused power

And called it politics.

We have coveted our neighbors

Possessions and called it ambition.

We have polluted the air

With profanity and

Pornography and called it

Freedom of speech and expression.

We have ridiculed the time

Honored values of our

Forefathers and called it enlightenment.

Search us, Oh, God,

And know our hearts today;

Cleanse us from every sin

And set us free.

Amen!'

The response was immediate. A number of legislators walked out during the prayer in protest.

In 6 short weeks, Central Christian Church, where Rev. Wright is pastor, logged more than 5,000 phone calls with only 47 of those calls responding negatively. The church is now receiving international requests for copies of this prayer from India , Africa and Korea.

Commentator Paul Harvey aired this prayer on his radio Program, 'The Rest of the Story,' and received a larger response to this program than any other he has ever aired.

With the Lord's help, may this prayer sweep over our Nation and wholeheartedly become our desire so that we again can be called 'One Nation Under God.'

What will you choose?

This  is a true story of something that happened just a few years ago at  USC.

There  was a professor of philosophy there who was a deeply committed atheist.  

His  primary goal for one required class was to spend the entire semester to prove  that God couldn't exist.

His  students were always afraid to argue with him because of his impeccable  logic.

Sure,  some had argued in class at times, but no one had ever really gone against him  because of his reputation.

At  the end of every semester on the last day, he would say to his class of 300  students,  "If there is anyone here who still believes in Jesus, stand up!"

In  twenty years, no one had ever stood up. They knew what he was going to do next.  He would say, "Because anyone who believes in God is a  fool".

If  God existed, he could stop this piece of chalk from hitting the ground and  breaking. Such a simple task to prove that He is God, and yet He can't do  it."

And  every year, he would drop the chalk onto the tile floor of the classroom and it  would shatter into a hundred pieces.

All  of the students would do nothing but stop and stare.

Most  of the students thought that God couldn't exist. Certainly, a number of  Christians had slipped through, but for 20 years, they had been too afraid to  stand up.

Well,  a few years ago there was a freshman who happened to  enroll.

He  was a Christian, and had heard the stories about his  professor.

He  was required to take the class for his major, and he was afraid. But for three  months that semester, he prayed every morning that he would have the courage to  stand up no matter what the professor said, or what the class thought.  

Nothing  they said could ever shatter his faith...he hoped.

Finally,  the day came. ! The professor said, "If there is anyone here who still believes  in God, stand up!" The professor and the class of 300 people looked at him,  shocked, as he stood up at the back of the classroom.

The  professor shouted, "You FOOL!!!

If  God existed, he would keep this piece of chalk from breaking when it hit the  ground!"

He  proceeded to drop the chalk, but as he did, it slipped out of his fingers, off  his shirt cuff, onto the pleat of his pants, down his leg, and off his shoe. As  it hit the ground, it simply rolled away unbroken. The professor's jaw dropped  as he stared at the chalk. He looked up at the young man, and then ran out of  the lecture hall.

The  young man who had stood, proceeded to walk to the front of the room and shared  his faith in Jesus for the next half hour. 300 students stayed and listened as  he told of God's love for them and of His power through Jesus.

Amazingly Smart Kids

The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, "Johnny! What are 4, 2, 28 and 44?" Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO, and the Cartoon Network!"

When I stopped the bus to pick up Chris for preschool, I noticed an older woman hugging him as he left the house. "Is that your grandmother?" I asked. "Yes", Chris said. "She's come to visit us for Christmas."  "How nice," I said. "Where does she live?"  "At the airport", Chris replied. "Whenever we want her, we just go out there and get her."

I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her.  I would point out something and ask what color it was.  She would tell me, and she was always correct.  But it was fun for me, so I continued.  At last, she headed for the door, saying sagely, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these yourself!"

When the mother returned from the grocery store, her small son pulled out the box of animal crackers he had begged for, then he spread the animal-shaped crackers all over the kitchen counter.  "What are you doing?" his Mom asked.  "The box says you can't eat them if the seal is broken," the boy explained.  "I'm looking for the seal."

This little grandmother was surprised by her 7-year-old grandson one morning.  He had made her coffee.  She drank what was the worst cup of coffee in her life.  When she got to the bottom, there were three of those little green army men and she asked him why they were there and he said, "On TV they say, 'The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup!'"

A three-year-old boy went with his dad to see a new litter of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother, "There were two boy kittens and two girl kittens." "How did you know that?" his mother asked. "Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied. "I think it's printed on the bottom."

THE ELDERLY: While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my four-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers, and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"

When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!" I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy." "I know," she replied, "but what is growing in your butt?" 

Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Mrs. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child. Smiling sweetly, the teacher said, "Bobby, when I was a child, I was told that if I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that." Bobby looked up and replied, "Well, Mrs. Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."

"When I Die, I Want To Die Like My Grandfather Who Died Peacefully In His Sleep. Not Screaming Like All The Passengers In His Car."